Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
