i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
two words...techno handjob
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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