I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
