Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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