I could make wine with my vomit
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
