I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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