i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
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swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
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Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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