yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
