Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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