Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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