The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
