god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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