dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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