I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
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