guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
