the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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