be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Don't EVER smell your tampon
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My ass is underappreciated
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
