The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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