I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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