Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
