She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
