I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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