Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i love accidental penises.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
