he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We need a shit load of segways right now
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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