WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
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