my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
