why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
