shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.