I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It's shark week go big or go home
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
