If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
