just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
