i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
