So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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