i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Randomize
