I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
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I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
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Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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