I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
