Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
tell your sister to shave her snatch
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
