you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
There are leaves in my underwear?
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