Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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