Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
