it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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