gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
