Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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