Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
