Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Drunk is a universal language darling
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