I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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