If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize