We're facebook friends in real life
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
