I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Randomize
