why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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