maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
