She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
