The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
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Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
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Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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