Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
