When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
