I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
