Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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