Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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