this beer tastes like vomit already
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
