Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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