Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
