Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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