My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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